


To The Living and the Dead

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Post-The Edge of Darkness [8]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Adoption, Adoptive Parents - Freeform, Aftermath of Violence, Character Death, Character Death Fix, Character death is the original trio, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Evil Snoke, F/M, Finn Windu, Force-Sensitive Finn, Force-Sensitive Poe Dameron, Gay Poe Dameron, Gen, Gray Jedi, Implied/Referenced Character Death, In a way, Inner Child, Jedi Finn, Jedi Poe Dameron, Kid Fic, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Related, M/M, Mass Murder, New Jedi Order, Not Dead Mace Windu, POV Ben Solo, Parents Ben Solo and Poe Dameron, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Violence, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Redeemed Ben Solo, Redeemed Phasma, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey Skywalker, Snoke Being a Dick, Therapy, Torture, Torturer Kylo Ren, future Grand Master Rey, non-Phasma-Book compliant, post-Episode IX, threats of child killing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-04 22:51:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 13,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12781335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Following the end of the war, Ben Solo, formerly Kylo Ren, makes amends to those he’s wronged.





	1. The Enclave

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: This idea came to me while I was working on another fic.

The last time that Ben Solo had set foot on this planet, he had been wearing the mask. Stepping on the planet’s surface, he already felt naked without it, exposed. Even after he had destroyed the mask, he had felt that element of nakedness, of exposure. A man that had done so much wrong, and now was returning to Yavin IV

_and it was strange, returning to the planet that had caused him agony and joy in equal measure._

to make up for what he’d done. Next to him was Rey, also known as Jaina Skywalker, and Poe Dameron. Even as they stepped out onto the planet, Poe seemed to take in the destruction of the Enclave for the first time, the mass grave that Ben had created with the symbol of the Knights of Ren carved in. 

Those were the Jedi that Ben had killed. Jedi that he had argued with, eaten with, laughed with, and so much more. Even Master Naris...

He hadn’t deserved to die like that. All but mutilated with Ben’s own lightsaber. 

“Ben,” Poe said. “All this time...”

”I did that,” Ben said. “All of it.” He swallowed. “I didn’t want to do it. I thought I could make them stand down.”

”They never would,” Poe said. “I mean, you were threatening them. Of course they were gonna fight!”

It was one of those instances where not for the first time, it hit Ben. 

Had that been what he’d looked like? Not some envoy of peace and justice, but a ruthless attacker? And to think that he’d tried so hard —

He looked away. He suddenly couldn’t look at Rey, or Poe. 

Poe continued. “You were supporting a terrorist organization, supporting a tyrant. I know he tricked you.” His voice went softer. “But of course they fought, Ben.”

Rey actually sounded disbelieving. “How could you even think you were trying to avoid bloodshed?”

“I thought...” Ben didn’t know what he thought. 

Even as they placed flowers on the mass grave (it was the least that they could all do, white lilies that they had brought all this way to Yavin IV) that Ben knelt. 

“I was misled,” he said. “I was misled, and it cost you your lives. There’s nothing I can do to wash the blood from my hands, but I can hope that I can...” He swallowed. How would he put this? How could he atone for so many deaths, those that he hadn’t even wanted to happen, but had happened anyway? “Rebuild what I’ve destroyed. Heal what I’ve wounded. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I can hope that I can rebuild.”

The wind was cool around him. He wondered if, somewhere, the ghosts of the Jedi he killed were still watching him. Were they vengeful? Pitying? Who knew with ghosts like these?

He stood up, and Poe and Rey looked at him in astonishment. “Rebuild the Order?” Rey said. 

“Any Order at all,” Ben said. He smiled weakly. “I don’t think I could do it. I’m no leader. And it would be wrong. But I could work at founding it, however I could.”

”You’d trample all over Luke’s ideas!” Rey said. 

“What ideas?”

Silence. “What he learned,” Rey said. “In exile. He actually said it was time for the Jedi to end.”

And it was there that the magnitude of his crime sank in for Ben Solo. 

He had done this. In all his good intentions and his feelings of not belonging, he had ultimately done what others could not — killed the Jedi Order for good. Damned it. Was that any way for the Order to end? Just like that? 

“Was he mad?” Ben said. 

Rey shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said. “But I want to honor my father’s wishes.”

Ben took a deep breath. “You wouldn’t be a bad Master yourself,” he said. “You could be the youngest Grand Master in history. Only nineteen and you’re doing this.”

Rey wrinkled her nose, smiled despite herself. "You think I’m too young?”

”You are young. But I think you could do it. And it seems right for you. Carrying out your father’s wishes. I owe you that much.”

Rey looked at him in astonishment that was practically luminous. “You would...do that for me?”

”Anything,” Ben said. “Anything at all.”

Rey’s face became more subdued. Then, “Thank you. Really.”

”Anything,” Ben said, and he meant it, with all his heart. 


	2. Poe

It was on the way home that Poe said, “You told me why you did it, but...I have a question you didn’t really answer, Ben.”

They were back on the  _Falcon_ in that moment. Rey was piloting, if only because she’d sensed that Poe and Ben needed to talk, and Chewie was up there helping her pilot. Ben wondered, idly, if Chewie expected to see Han Solo there instead of Rey while he was piloting. 

Chewie hadn’t outright strangled Ben yet, which was showing quite a lot of restraint on his part. But he was still clearly angry. Ben couldn’t say that he blamed him, actually. The fact that Chewie hadn’t strangled Ben for what he had done was a miracle. Maybe he too was stunned by the fact his informal nephew had done this. 

Maybe he could explain everything to Chewie later. Even if it meant his windpipe would inevitably meet the squeezing paws of a Wookiee. 

“You can ask me.”

”Why did you leave me?”

Ben hesitated. “It wasn’t what I intended,” he said. 

“You left me,” Poe said. “I thought you were _dead_.” His voice cracked, and Ben longed to comfort him, but he knew it would be unwelcome. 

“I intended to come back — ’’

”Is that what this is about? What you intended? Ben, you have no idea how it destroyed me...” Poe’s voice cracked again, and he looked away. 

Was he crying? Stars, he couldn’t stand to have made Poe cry. 

“I never wanted to leave you," Ben said. “Believe me.”

Silence. Poe looked at him, eyes teary. “Stars, don’t leave me again...”

Ben pulled him into his arms, smelling Poe’s scent. Still like X-wing grease and engines, after all these years. “Never.”

They rested in the other’s arms even as the Falcon shot through hyperspace. And Ben couldn’t help but realize that he had broken his first vow: to never let Poe go. He had let him go. Luke Skywalker’s interference be damned, he had let Poe go. He had been so stupid. 

He promised himself that he would never let Poe go, never hurt him again. 


	3. Flowers for a Fallen General

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A landing on Coruscant, and later, a graveside visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

There was no morning or night in space, but when Ben woke up from his sleep with Poe, he already felt well-rested. Poe was asleep, and he looked so peaceful in that moment that Ben didn’t want to wake him. It reminded him almost of their honeymoon —

And then it hit Ben. Had he ever imagined that anything like this would happen? That he would hurt Poe in such a way? His Poe. The man who was all but everything to him. The man that, for all intents and purposes, probably had little birds perched on his shoulder and angel wings. Poe called him an angel. He didn’t know that he was an angel to Ben. 

Poe stirred, yawned. “What time is it?” he murmured. 

“Four oh hundred,” Ben said. “Go back to sleep.”

”Don’t know if I can do that.”

They landed on Coruscant later, and Finn and Rose came out to greet them, Jaina all but running into Finn’s arms before drawing away. 

Even as Finn laughed and chatted with Rose and Jaina, he gave Ben a wide berth. Ben couldn’t say he blamed Finn, but he still couldn’t help but feel a stab of loneliness. It was like being on the other side of transparisteel, taking in a life that he didn’t get to quite live. Rose also seemed to give Ben a wide berth, seeming almost uncomfortable with the way he looked over at her, Finn and Jaina. Ben averted his eyes, all the while wondering about what exactly he could do to...atone? Yes, that was the right word, atone. There wasn’t exactly a word sufficient enough to say that he was sorry for burning a village down, or injuring someone to the point of near-death. Was there a gesture? He could try and rebuild Rose’s village, or give her something from the ruins. Already he was coming up with ideas. Anything could work. Anything.

It was back in their temporary apartment that Ben wrote down the ideas with the zeal that, in the past, he saved for trying to research his powers, the Light and Dark balance in him. 

_To do for Rose:_

_Rebuild her village. How to do so?_

_If that’s not feasible, get something from the ruins. Surely she has some possessions that weren’t lost in the fire._

_To Do for FN — no, Finn:_

_???_

Ben paused. What could he do for Finn? The scar on his back had healed, as far as Ben knew, which was good, but what else could he do? There was more. Could he give Finn back his family? He would have to ask Phasma — Miranda Kae, as she was apparently called. It would be odd not calling her Phasma. But there it was. 

“Ben? Is everything all right?” Poe’s voice.

Ben put down his datapad. “Just thinking," he said. “I still have a lot to do."

”What are you thinking?” Poe said. 

“Making it up to everyone,” Ben said. “And I mean everyone.”

Poe stepped forward. “You really...mean that?”

”I do. What I’ve done is horrific. I don’t know where to begin except chronologically. Yavin was where it all started.”

”You want to be forgiven.”

”I want to do what’s right. I’ve done so much wrong, I might as well do something right for a change.”

Poe took his hands. It was a comforting feeling, actually; Ben couldn’t recall the last time he had actually been touched like that.

”You’re doing something right, Ben,” Poe said. “It’s small, but it’s a good start, don’t you think?”

”Yeah.” Ben could suppose. “I...guess it is.”

***

”...and I want to do something for all of them.” Ben looked his new therapist, Doctor Moore, in the eyes even as he sat in her office. There was something cozy about it, something that made him feel somehow at peace. The colors of the office that made him think of a Naboo field with an expansive sky — green on the bottom, blue on top. The different books. Things like that. “Every one of them.”

”A noble task, Ben. But don’t forget working on you, of course.”

”Right.” They were already working on new techniques to manage his anger — Ben knew that he didn’t want to hurt Poe again, if only through scaring him with destroying things within a five mile radius. Destroying things had brought him a temporary sort of relief, of course, but only temporary. The anger was always there, ready to bubble up again. Talking about it was one strategy, exercise another...there were so many strategies that Ben couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of them before. Was that what living a normal life was like? Was it healthier? Ben could hardly imagine it. 

That was just one of many things they were working on. All of it seemed so new — twenty-nine years was a long time before you realized you actually had free will, after all. When you realized you didn’t have to be perfect, that you didn’t have to be angry all the time. 

“How are your anger management strategies going, Ben?” Moore said. 

“Better. Though...” Ben laughed a strained laugh. “I can’t believe that I didn’t have those before. Back in the Order, it was either suppress it or fall.”

“It doesn’t sound terribly healthy,” Moore said. 

“Well — ’’

”Imagine that you were a father, if you will.” Moore folded her hands. “Would you ever want your children to grow up thinking that they were worthless and tainted because of their emotions? Perfectly healthy, reasonable emotions at that?”

Ben swallowed. He could picture his son or daughter going through that too well, and already he felt a knot building up in his stomach.

"No,” he said. 

“Then why are you the exception, Ben?”

Moore didn’t understand, did she? Ben had been the exception his whole life; it had been why he was targeted. Ben bit his lip. 

“I’m different,” he said. “As a child, I wasn’t normal. My mother — ’’

”What about your partner’s mother? Did she treat him this way?”

”No.”

”Mothers who treat their children in that way are the exception, not the rule. Your mother had her share of problems, obviously, and taking them out on you was far from right.”

”I suppose you’re right,” Ben said. 

“You are responsible for what you did as an adult. But you are not responsible for what happened to you as a child. Stars willing, Ben.”

And Ben couldn’t say anyone had said that to him before. Of course, how could they have known? 

“I don’t...”

”What?”

“I don’t know what to feel. I...” Ben swallowed. “I want to see my mother. Her grave, at least. Speak to her.”

”Do whatever feels right to you, Ben.”

And Ben knew where, exactly, he was going to go.

It was later that he took the Falcon again to the place where his uncle was buried, where his mother was now buried. She had gone out trying to save those on Bespin when Hux had bombed it. Of course she did. She was a hero to the last. 

Even walking before his mother’s grave was something that Ben didn’t expect. He remembered, as Kylo Ren, holding a sort of Milaran funeral for his mother. Now he was coming here to speak to her. Kneeling next to her grave, he spoke. 

“Mom,” he said. “I’m here.”

Graves didn’t talk back. But Ben could take comfort in the stillness. 

“I admit that there’s a lot I don’t understand,” Ben said. “Too much, actually.”

And so he spoke. He spoke about how he had felt when he was seemingly abandoned, everything he had gone through questioning his mother’s love for him, everything he had done and how he was trying to recover from that. Atone for that. 

“And I’m sorry,” Ben finally said. “I know...it doesn’t sound like much of an apology. But I am sorry for what I did. All of it. Every last part. I’m sorry.”

He took a deep breath, dropped flowers on the grave. He wished he had something from Alderaan to give her, remnants of a destroyed planet. But he couldn’t. The best thing he could give her were flowers. Flowers for the General, flowers for the princess. Even as he did so, he could swear a cool breeze blew past his face. Almost as if his mother were really there. He smiled, if faintly. 

He spoke to his father next. Apologized, placed flowers on his grave. Then his uncle, then his aunt. By the time that he was done, tears were staining Ben’s face. Poe was in the Falcon with him. 

“How are you feeling?” Poe said. 

“Better,” Ben said. “It gave me peace. More than I thought it would, actually.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t change the past. I can’t change my actions. But I can try and mend things.”

Poe nodded. “Thank you,” he said. 

Even as they headed back to Coruscant, Ben knew that there were plenty more he still had to make amends to. Chewie. Finn. Jaina. Rose. Just to name a few. How many villages, how many planets. But he would find a way to apologize to them, no matter what. 

 

 


	4. Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn and Ben argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Happy Thanksgiving! Also, I know Phasma’s backstory doesn’t line up with canon here, but I did quite a bit of planning for Phasma before that book came out, so...safe to say this is not Phasma-book-compliant. 
> 
> Also, Ben’s going to be a jerk in this chapter. Fair warning.

The ride back to Coruscant was difficult, Ben wasn’t going to lie. He already felt spent, and only Poe’s hand on his shoulder kept him steady. They sat in the main hold; they were on autopilot until they reached Coruscant. 

“BB-8 could fly this thing,” Poe had joked, and they’d both laughed, only for Ben to feel tears spring to his eyes. Tears seemed to be pretty common to him right now. And Poe had taken him to the main hold so he could calm down. 

There, he’d wept freely and in full, until he already felt wrung dry. There was something, now, about how calm he felt after crying, how tired. Like a short burst of tears, before calming down. Would he ever be able to cry like a normal person, Ben wondered. Was it unrealistic to pray for normal after everything that happened?

Poe rubbed his back, and Ben almost forgot what it was like to be touched like this. He couldn’t recall the last time anyone in the First Order had done something like that. He couldn’t help but purr under his husband’s ministrations, his husband’s touch. 

“How are you feeling?” Poe said. 

“I...don’t know. I shouldn’t even be crying; I don’t have a right after — ’’

”You caused your share of pain and you endured your share too.”

”That’s...one way to put it.” Ben sighed. “Stars, Poe, how do you not utterly — ’’

”I don’t hate you. You’re too complicated to hate.” 

They were quiet for a while. Then Ben said, “I want to do something for FN...for Finn. And Rose. I good as let Phasma and Hux wipe out Finn’s childhood even if I didn’t participate. And I destroyed Rose’s life. And...I want to do something for you.”

“You already are, Ben.”

”I — ’’

”You already are.”

Getting back to Coruscant was a bit difficult, moving past crowds that seemed to be both fascinated and scared by Ben’s presence. And then there were the whispers. _Is that Ben Solo?_

_What happened to him?_

_Can’t believe that he became Kylo Ren, him, of all people..._

They seemed shocked, taken aback. Ben couldn’t say that he blamed them, actually. Getting back to their apartments was less of a challenge. Well, up until FN — Finn — confronted them. 

“Where were you?” he said. 

“Is there a law against visiting someone’s grave?” Ben regretted the words the moment they came out of his mouth. 

“So you stole the Falcon to visit the grave of someone you killed?”

”Is there a law against it?” 

Poe stepped in. “Finn, please — ’’

”How can you defend him after he tortured you?” Finn said. “He invaded your mind — ’’

”I know what he did,” Poe said. “It’s...complicated.”

”Complicated. Right. Maybe Poe thinks that you’ve reformed, but I don’t believe him.”

”Bold talk from someone who was about to do the same things.” 

Silence. 

“I’m nothing like you,” Finn said. 

“You were about to fire on the villagers as well. I was there. You’re not the flawless saint that you like to portray yourself as, FN-2187.”

Finn flinched, and already Ben felt rotten. No, worse than rotten. Poe actually looked flabbergasted. When Finn finally spoke, he said, “You’re right. I’m not a saint. I’m not even a hero. But I’m better than you ever were.”

Ben couldn’t argue with that. 

Even walking away, Poe was quiet, almost icily quiet, as they retired to their apartment for the night. Ben couldn’t say he blamed him. He couldn’t say what had come over him, except it was like a capped volcano, a closet full to bursting, and containing himself had been nigh impossible. 

But FN — Finn hadn’t been able to fire on the villagers. Kylo Ren had ordered the village destroyed. And for what? Snoke had told him that the villagers were good as complicit, good as enemies of the First Order, but that hadn’t been true. They had been innocents. Screaming, pleading for their lives even as the stormtroopers slaughtered them. And Kylo Ren — Ben — had ordered this. 

And for what? 

Dinner with Poe was a silent thing for a while before Poe finally spoke. “His name’s Finn. Not FN-2187. Finn. There was...” He sighed. “There was nothing you did back there that was right, Ben.”

”No." Ben couldn’t argue with that. He had to do something for Finn. Anything. Could he...

What if he reunited Finn with his family? Or at least got information on them? Finn deserved that information as much. 

It was after dinner that Ben headed out towards Phasma’s apartment. He knocked, and Phasma answered. It was odd seeing her without her helmet. Just an ordinary-looking woman with short blond hair. Then again, everyone looked ordinary without the mask, didn’t they?

”Sir,” she said. Almost as if they were still in the First Order. 

“Call me Ben,” Ben said. “And I’m sorry to bother you, but I need your help.”

”By all means. Come in.”

Phasma’s apartment was a simple place, nothing special. There were some things about  it that Ben wondered if they were an attempt to recapture the home she had lived in before the First Order had taken her away. Miranda Kae she was once called, descendant of the legendary Brianna Kae. She hadn’t reclaimed her old name yet. Ben wondered if she would. 

“I want to know about Finn’s family,” Ben said. At Phasma’s puzzled expression, he said, “FN-2187. Did you get any information on him when you first — ’’

”As a matter of fact, yes,” Phasma said. “His name was Sam Windu. Mace Windu’s grandson, actually.”

Ben inhaled sharply. “Did you consider — ’’

” — that he could be Force sensitive?” Phasma said. “I don’t believe that was my department to handle such things, actually.”

Ben nodded. “Thank you, Phasma.” He could tell Finn the truth when he next saw him. And apologize, if he could. 

 

 

 


	5. All Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben tries to apologize to Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was the next morning that Ben went with Poe to try and find Finn. Emphasis on “try”. Finn was elusive at the moment, and Ben took a while before he found Finn. Finn was out on the balcony, and he turned to look at Ben. “What do you want now?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

 “Right. About that...I don’t buy it. After everything you did, I don’t think that a simple ‘sorry’ is going to cut it.”

”Maybe not,” Ben said. “But I can try to make up for what I did. And what I allowed to happen.”

”How are you going to do that?”

”Any way possible,” Ben said.

”You really think that?”

”I do,” Ben said. “That’s why I took the Falcon yesterday. I had to make amends. Or at least pay some respects.”

”That’s why?”

”Yeah.”

Silence.

”I believe you,” Finn said. “It sounds unbelievable, but I do.” Beat. “After what you did, I don’t forgive you, but I can understand you mean what you say.”

Thank the stars. “I have some information for you,” Ben said. “About your family.”

Silence. Finn looked...honestly flabbergasted. Then, “How?”

”I spoke with Phasma,” Ben said. “Your family...she gave me some interesting information.”

”What do you mean?”

Ben told Finn everything. Including the matter of him possibly being Force sensitive.

”Force sensitive...” Finn actually looked caught off-guard. “That makes a lot of sense. Even when I had the lightsaber, it seemed too easy...”

”It explains everything.”

Silence. Then Finn said, “This isn’t some joke on your part, is it?”

”It’s not.” 

Finn took a deep breath. “I need a moment,” he said, and he left. Poe and Ben didn’t follow; Ben had a feeling that Finn needed some space to process all this. Ben couldn’t say that he blamed him. If he was in Finn’s position...

He couldn’t imagine being in Finn’s position, actually.

”You definitely dropped quite the bombshell on him,” Poe said.

”I did.” Ben sighed. “But if I can do something to make up for what I did to him, it’s worth it.”

Poe nodded. “Why did you do it?” he said. “To Finn. I mean, the Ben I knew never would have been willingly sadistic.”

”I don’t think any explanation can really be...okay,” Ben said. “I know I was angry, but anger doesn’t excuse anything. The last time that I did it to someone besides Finn, it was to Master Naris. I knew I had to defeat him and then I got angry at how he treated me — stars, he even said they should have killed me when I was four.”

Poe looked flabbergasted. “I...don’t even know what to say,” he said. “Ben...how could anyone kill a little boy?”

”I don’t know,” Ben said. It had been one of those many things he’d drawn upon for his anger. The fact that Naris had wanted little Ben dead.

”What you did was awful, but Naris...have you brought it up with Doctor Moore?”

”No. Poe...considering what I did to you, is everyone better off if I’d been...”

Ben trailed off. He couldn’t finish the sentence.

”No. Never.” 

Something in Ben gave way, and he embraced Poe, inhaling his scent deeply in that moment. He had missed that scent. The scent of X-wing grease and engines. How could he have been so foolish as to abandon Poe the way he did?

They remained that way for a while before they both withdrew, and Ben looked down at him. “You still believe in me. Even after what I did to you.”

”I do,” Poe said. “I truly do.”

***

Finn wasn’t going to lie; he was already close to having a breakdown. After what Ben had revealed about his family, he still couldn’t believe it. Force-sensitive, possibly...it was still a lot to take in. Too much, actually. All this time, his family was out there, and he had no idea. All this time...

Finn found Phasma’s apartment right then. It was strange, still, seeing her effectively without the helmet. Underneath, the woman who had loomed over him like a shadow was really, in the end, just a woman. He couldn’t help but be angry in that moment. And yet, he had to control himself.

”We need to talk,” he said. “Right now.”


	6. Confrontations and The Possibility of Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn confronts Phasma, and Ben meets with Doctor Moore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Happy Thanksgiving!

The two of them stood in the apartment, both unmasked, Finn and Miranda Kae, Finn all but furious. They weren’t quite dueling, but they were on the brink of it. Then Finn said, “You knew. You knew all along where my family was, and you kept it from me.”

”It was necessary,” Phasma said. 

“Necessary to take me from my own parents?” Finn said. “From my own family?”

”Such is the way of things,” Phasma said. “Such is the way of the First Order. You believe you were the only one, FN-2187?”

”My name,” Finn said, “Is Finn.”

”It makes no difference. Tell me, do you think that just because you removed the helmet you’re free from what you nearly did? That you’re not us?” Phasma paused. “You ran from the First Order like a coward. Surely not because you actually wanted to do what was right?”

“Then you know nothing about me. And what about you? You weren’t exactly brave when you lowered the shields on Starkiller.”

He saw her pale skin flush with embarrassment, and was already satisfied that he had landed a mark. 

“That,” Phasma said, “Was a mistake.”

”You’re damn right it was. Because we beat you. All of you. You lost, Phasma. Your Order lost. How’s it feel, knowing you lost?”

Silence. 

“I accept it.”

And Finn couldn’t say he expected that. 

“But surely you didn’t come here just to gloat,” Phasma said. “Why are you really here?”

Finn told her. In one hushed tone, brimming with fury, he told her. 

“Where is my family?”

***

“...and he said that they should have killed me when I was four.”

They were back in Doctor Moore’s office, and Ben already felt ill even saying it. Even saying it, he wondered, had Master Naris had his way, would he have been killed when he was only a child? 

Doctor Moore’s eyes widened in that moment. Then, “Did he?”

”Yes. It was...bad. He said...” And even launching into what Master Naris had said about him rotting in a shallow grave, Ben felt suddenly very ill. When he finished, Doctor Moore was quiet for a long time. Then, “He sounds, well, sounded like he wasn’t well, Ben.”

”I think he hated everyone,” Ben said. “Back when he was alive, he was a bully. I remember once hearing him say that a one-legged tach would be a better duelist than me or Michael — one of my friends. Then again, he loved picking on Mike. Mike was one of his favorite targets.”

”Where was your uncle in all this? Surely he would have put a stop to this.”

”He didn’t. We were good as on our own.” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “When I first became Kylo Ren, Snoke...encouraged me to remember those experiences. Use them as fuel.” He could still remember what exactly Snoke had said. _Even Naris thought you should have been killed as a youngling. What does that say about the Order? They’re rotten to the core is what they are. Use that anger, Kylo Ren. Anger is the fire where we burn bright._

Moore looked flabbergasted. Then, “Ben...I want you to find a holo of yourself when you were four. Really look at it. And know that anyone who wanted to do harm to a child regardless of the situation is evil.”

”But the others — '’

”The others weren’t. But this Master Naris...He never should have talked about killing a child.” Silence. “Bring in a holo for tomorrow, Ben. And from there, we can talk.”

 


	7. Searching For The Lost Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ben begins his inner child work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Many thanks to LonerWolf for inspiration: https://lonerwolf.com/inner-child-work/

The problem with searching for a good holo of himself when he was four was that Ben didn’t know where to search, actually. There were likely some remnants on the Falcon, of course, there were some holos without a doubt, but he didn’t know where to search.

Still, he searched through the ship. Really searched this time. He couldn’t say that he had really slowed down much to take a look. Not at the other rooms. He could remember, as Kylo Ren, searching through his father’s ship — and all the memories that threatened to overwhelm him. Now, searching through the Falcon, he could remember different rooms where he helped his father with repairs for example, where he learned how to play sabaac with his father, where Chewie taught him how to play dejarik and let him win. There were holos around here somewhere, Ben knew as much. There were holos, remnants of a time long past. 

You couldn’t, truly, go home again. But here, you could get remnants of the past. 

It was when he searched in his old room that he found one of the holos. His father must have kept them all those years. Almost as if not to forget his son, even after all these years. 

Something welled up in Ben, and he felt tears spring to his eyes. Even after all these years, even after he was sent away...

His father had kept the holos. After all this time...

He took the holo of himself at four years old, celebrating his Naming Day, a brilliant smile on his face. That was how little he had been. That was how small he had been when he arrived on the doorstep of the Enclave. How vulnerable. Ben stroked the edge of the holo. His four year old self had gone through quite a lot. Too much, actually. 

He walked out of the Falcon then, carrying the holo, back to his apartment. Poe was there, waiting for him, and Ben explained everything to him. Everything about what he was doing, what he was yet to do. 

“It’s for your therapy session?” Poe said. 

“Yes.”

Poe looked over the holo tenderly. “You were so young back then, weren’t you?”

”Yes. And I’m sure that that little boy is wondering what happened to me. To us.”

”To put it one way, a lot."

Poe stroked Ben’s arm, gently. It was a familiar, kind sort of touch, and Ben found himself leaning into it. He couldn’t say that he had been touched like that in quite some time.  He took comfort in it in any case, because he needed it. It was something he was still getting used to, naturally, but it was a comforting thing nonetheless. 

***

“You brought the holo?” Doctor Moore said. 

They sat in the office, Ben holding the holo, and Ben nodded. He was still astonished at how small he was in that holo. 

“So that was how small I was when he would have wanted to kill me.”

”Exactly.”

The fury built within Ben. He almost wanted to get up, to smash everything in Doctor Moore’s office — but the look on Moore’s face, the look of worry, was enough to make him stop. Instead, he said, “I hate him. I hate him so much. I shouldn’t hate him, but everything he did to me — ’’

”It is complicated, isn’t it?” Moore said. 

“Yes.”

”It doesn’t undo what you’ve done, or that which was done to you,” Moore said. “There’s actually some exercises that you can try, Ben. Call it your homework, as it were.”

“What is it?”

”Are you familiar with a concept called the inner child?”

Ben blinked. “Should I be?”

”It’s basically the more childlike part of you. Not childish, Ben, but childlike. It’s the sum of every childhood experience that you’ve gone through, typically unresolved.”

”But how?” Ben said. “Finn...Finn went through worse than I did. Jaina, my cousin...she went through worse than I did.”

”No childhood experience is insignificant, Ben.”

And even that opened up the floodgates, and Ben started talking. Talking about his abandonment from his mother, about Naris’ bullying and Jimmy Nichos’ bullying, about meeting Snoke in his Yana disguise, not knowing that he was actually a monster out to manipulate him. When he was done, his voice was all but shredded, and his eyes were already wet. Moore was quiet for a moment before she said, “Could you really, at all, call any of this insignificant, Ben? Bullying, abandonment, manipulation...your traumas may not have been on the same scale as Finn and Jaina’s, but I would hardly call them insignificant.”

”My mother — ’’

” — had all the choices in the galaxy when it came to protecting you from Snoke. She could have called the police, she could have told your father, she could have even gone after Snoke herself. Sending you away only wounded you further, Ben. I’m sure she thought she was doing the best that she could do, but she still caused her share of damage. No parent plans to hurt their offspring, but sometimes it can happen that way.”

Ben nodded. “Now that I think about it, she did have her share of problems she took out on me.”

”And she shouldn’t have.” A pause. “You went through quite a lot when you were only four, Ben. Therefore, I was thinking of exercises that could heal the child you were.”

”What’s the point?” Ben said. “You can’t change the past.”

”No. But you can give yourself a better future.”

”I can,” Ben said. “I really can. So the exercises...”

”What did you love to do as a child, Ben?”

”Well,” Ben said, “There was one game I loved playing with Poe. It was called X-wing Pilots. We used to pretend that we were pilots scouting planets.”

”It’s never too late to do it again.”

Even walking out of Doctor Moore’s office, Ben had an idea as to how to get back to things that he did as a child. The small four year old who Shara and Kes thought was too skinny, the little boy that Naris mocked for having too quiet a voice. Even walking back to the apartment he and Poe shared, Ben could get an idea as to how to heal, and that...that was one of the greatest rewards of all. 

 

 


	8. Resurrection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Poe spend some quality time together, and a familiar face from the prequels appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Even thinking about the different things that he loved to do when he was a child, Ben realized that he hadn’t thought about things like this in a long time. Then again, he never thought that his childhood had been strange, out of the ordinary, anything of that nature. It had all seemed, if not normal, just part of the landscape, so to speak. 

If anything had seemed out of the ordinary, Ben hadn’t realized it. 

But he listed the different things that he’d loved to do as a child. Things like playing X-wing pilots with Poe, watching animated holovids with his father, things of that nature. They were things that he hadn’t even thought about in years, actually. Searching for lightsaber crystals (broken ankle aside). Picking wildflowers. Things like that. 

So it seemed that they had a whole litany of things to do at Yavin. And just for a bonus, they could try setting up an Academy there. Rey and Finn had taken another ship out to Finn’s homeplanet, if only to reunite with his family. Ben could only hope they could find what they were looking for. 

It wasn’t even like the Academy was burned down, Ben thought even as they entered it. Just empty. Full of invisible ghosts. Lives that weren’t quite lived. Entering it after six years was still unsettling, especially when you were the one to all but kill so many in the Enclave. 

"I didn’t think that I’d come back here,” Ben said. “Let alone to rebuild.”

”Well, the fact that it’s begun really is something, isn’t it?” Poe said. 

Ben nodded. “It is something,” he said. 

The workbench was still there. Even disassembling his lightsaber, taking out the red crystal, and putting in the old silver one that Poe had given him, Ben felt a strange sense of peace. Silver was a fitting color, actually. It meant healing, something that seemed fitting after...just about everything, actually. 

Ben ignited his lightsaber experimentally, looked at the pale, shimmering blade. After everything that happened, this...this was who he was meant to be. 

He deactivated it, looked over at Poe, and smiled despite himself. “What do you think?”

”It looks beautiful.”

”There’s actually something else I wanted to do,” Ben said. “Come with me!”

”All right,” Poe said. “You lead the way.” He grinned, and by the stars, it was good to see that grin on Poe’s face again.

It was out in the fields that Ben picked his share of flowers, carefully weaving them into the shape of a flower crown. He had to do something with the flowers, at least. 

When he was done, he called Poe over, only to say, “I made something for you.”

”Is that — ’’

Ben grinned broadly. “Yeah. Put it on!”

Poe did, and the crown fit him, in more ways than one. Ben beamed at him, and already, he felt a sort of strange lightness that he hadn’t felt before enter his heart. 

Poe grinned, and his grin was positively infectious in that moment even as he kissed Ben’s cheek. “I missed this, you know,” he said. 

“Yeah.” Ben’s smile took on a sad tinge. “I missed this too.”

They lay back in the grass on Yavin IV, watching even as the clouds passed them by, pointing out different shapes, and in that moment, Ben realized he couldn’t love Poe more. To think that he’d hurt him was inconceivable. But he would do anything just to make things better, make things right.

It was later that they left Yavin, and Ben already felt lighter than he had been, truly. It had been a while since he had actually done something like this, tapped into his childlike self. He had occasionally tapped into it, making sandcastles on his and Poe’s honeymoon, for example. But this...

He couldn’t say it was quite like this. 

It was back at Coruscant that they met up with Rey and Finn, who took in Poe’s new appearance with a bit of surprise before saying hello. 

“Nice crown,” Finn said, raising a bit of an eyebrow. 

“Thanks,” Poe said. “How was your trip?”

Silence. It was there, Ben noticed, that Finn looked like he had been crying. Considering everything, he couldn’t blame Finn in the slightest. 

“Pretty emotional,” Finn said. “But good. It definitely brought me some peace, more than I thought. I also found someone who could help us rebuild the Order.”

Ben raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

”Yeah. My grandfather. Mace Windu.”

”He’s still alive?” Ben said. “But the Emperor killed — ’’

”Not quite,” Finn said. “I mean, it’s kind of a weird story...”

”Is he here right now?” Ben said. 

“He is.” Finn turned towards the ship where an older, dark-skinned man with a prosthetic hand exited the ship. 

Mace Windu. Ben hadn’t thought that he would meet a Jedi Master long since thought to be dead, but here he was.

”Master Windu,” he said. 

“So you’re Ben Solo.” Mace had a deep, authoritative-sounding voice that was enough to steal a whole room full of attention. “You’re the new Grand Master?”

”Jaina is, actually,” Ben said. “I’m just the founder.”

”I see,” Mace said. “It’s ironic, I suppose, that the man who destroyed the Jedi Order is also the one to rebuild it. Especially after doing so much wrong.”

”I did do that,” Ben said. “And nothing I can say can undo what I’ve done. I just hope I can heal it, wherever I can.”

”Why did you do it?”

Ben took a deep breath. “It’s a long story, Master Windu...” And so he began to recount everything, from the revelation of his own grandfather’s identity to Snoke essentially kidnapping him while he was drunk to everything else, and he was still amazed that it could have gone that far. 

When he was done, Poe spoke up. “You could have gone to me,” he said. “I could have helped you.”

”Yes.” Ben said. “You could have.” A beat. “I was stupid.”

“So Aldric — Snoke — essentially stalked you and hunted you from before your birth?” Mace said. 

Ben nodded. “He even played a part, if you will, in how I turned out. It explained so much, everything about why I felt so out of place.”

Silence. 

“I knew that Aldric of Milara had done terrible things,” Mace said. “But this...I couldn’t imagine him harming a youngling.”

”You knew him?” Ben said. 

“Only in passing. Before his fall, I know he was a very troubled Milaran.”

”He was,” Ben said. 

Silence. 

“Are you ready and willing to atone for what you did?” Mace said. 

“I am,” Ben said. “And we need your help to rebuild.”

Jaina nodded. “We do,” she said. “Believe me.”

Mace took a deep breath. “Then I will do whatever I can,” he said. 


	9. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and co. work on rebuilding the Order, and Ben and Poe reconnect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

They only had the Council so far to start with, and the Council members might as well have been students as well. Poe and Finn had just unlocked their Force Sensitivity, and Rey and Ben were already working on their training. Master Windu was the only one who really knew everything, actually. Well, just about everything. He seemed to clash with the ideas that Rey had discovered in the Journal of the Whills. 

“We couldn’t have been wrong after all this time,” he said. 

And Ben couldn’t say that he blamed him. Had Snoke been, in a way, right? Even that idea was enough to make him shiver. The idea of Snoke being right about the Jedi, or at least having a point...

Rey was still adamant. “Your Vaapad form uses both the Light and Dark.”

”That is much different. You’re suggesting a radical change. Accepting tyrants, traitors and murderers into our midst — it simply isn’t done, Jaina. The Sith — a lot of their evil happened before you were born. But they were truly monstrous...” Master Windu rubbed his temples. “You realize that this decision is not one to be made lightly.”

Rey shook her head. “I’m not suggesting that we embrace Sith principles. But maybe in accepting both the Light and the Dark, we can end this war.”

Silence. Then, “You play a dangerous game.”

”Maybe I do. But if it’s the right one...”

Ben spoke up. “I think what she means is a sort of synthesis.”

”Synthesis.” Master Windu looked thoughtful. “Channeling the Dark Side into a weapon of the Light? Perhaps that is workable."

"It could be,” Rey said. 

Putting together the Code, training, and discussing. That was part of putting things together. It was a hard thing without a doubt, but redemption was hard. It wasn’t like you could make everything right with a snap of your fingers. 

It was after practice that the others retired to their rooms, and Ben looked down at Poe, offered his hand to him, and Poe took it. The look in Poe’s eyes — it was a sort of reverence, a sort of longing, taking in Ben’s sweat-soaked hair and skin and his parted lips as if he was the most beautiful thing in existence. 

“I...need a shower,” Ben said. “I probably smell like a tauntaun right now.” 

“I could — ’’

”You don’t have to,” Ben said. Already, he didn’t know if Poe could even be naked with him, let alone let him into his bed. It would be akin to letting the monster in. The boogeyman. 

“That’s the thing, Ben. I want to.”

Slowly, Ben nodded. “But we go slow,” he said. “I don’t want to hurt you.” _Not anymore._  

“You won’t.”

Finding the showers was difficult, but eventually, they found them, and Ben undressed. He looked away while Poe was undressing, only for Poe to say, “Ben, how many times have we seen each other naked? Really?”

Ben turned back around, only to swallow even as he saw Poe’s body. A body that he was well-acquainted with, and felt an old sort of hunger for even as he looked at it. He walked forward, looked at it up and down, and his heart was already beating for it even looking at Poe. And his hesitation was swept away to be replaced by a sort of desire that he had felt on Milara when they had made love. 

“Ben...”

”Stars, even after all these years, you’re so beautiful,” Ben said. “I missed you.”

”I did too.”

They turned the shower water on, and Ben groaned in relief. He had to admit that his arousal was still killing him, but the water felt good on his aching muscles. Slowly, he said, “Poe...I want — ’’

” — to wash me?” Poe said. “Please.”

Ben was careful, tender even washing Poe’s hair and body, feeling the soft wet locks beneath his hands, feeling the sleek wetness of Poe’s skin as he moved lower. He massaged out the knots in Poe’s muscles, feeling a contented groan from Poe in response, and he made sure to worship Poe’s body with his hands and, later, his mouth. Poe’s little pants and gasps were intoxicating to listen to, and it was amazing that Ben could still make Poe feel like this.

”Ben,” Poe murmured. “Oh, Ben...”

Ben wouldn’t deny that he had indeed missed this. Too much, actually. Worshipping his husband’s beautiful body, taking in the changes. Because it was Poe, it was all of him, they were so close in this moment and it was perfect, just perfect...

He continued his ministrations late into the night, and he knew that this place, this man, was his home. 


	10. Mending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mace and Kes don’t approve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

To say that Mace Windu disapproved of Ben and Poe’s relationship was putting it mildly, actually. It was the sort of disapproval that weighed on Ben, that felt practically smothering. 

“How long have you had this attachment?” he said. 

Irritation prickled in Ben. “His name is Poe.”

”I know. How long have you been with him?”

”If the six years apart counts...nine years.”

Master Windu sighed. “Back on the old Jedi Order, there were reasons for attachments to be forbidden.”

”But it’s twisted is what it is,” Ben said. “You can use someone for sex, but you can’t love them?”

”I hesitate to call the way you treated Poe in the interrogation room ‘love’.”

Ben flinched. Then, “It wasn’t. And I was wrong to do that to him. But I didn’t turn to the Dark Side because of my love for Poe. I did it...” He swallowed. “I was...lonely. And I thought I was doing the right thing.” It was as good an approximation as anything for why he fell. 

“Fine excuses.”

”I don’t seek to make excuses,” Ben said. 

Mace seemed thoughtful. Then, “You are better than your grandfather in some ways. When he was angry, he would blame everyone but himself. As far as I know, he did that after what he did to your grandmother. You are taking responsibility. That is a good sign.”

”It was my fault,” Ben said. “Snoke...set my schedule, but I was the one who set everything in motion.”

”In regards to your actions on the Liberator, yes.”

”I can’t change the past,” Ben said, “But I want to mend what I’ve done.”

Mace was silent. Then, “Responsibility. Not what I thought was a Skywalker trait.”

”We’re full of surprises,” Ben said. 

“I can only hope you’re up to the challenge.”

***

As it turned out, Mace Windu wasn’t the only one who disapproved of their relationship. Kes Dameron was also disapproving. He hadn’t been before, as far as Ben knew, but this...

The interrogation had essentially broken what fragile trust there was between Ben and Kes. And facing his father-in-law, Ben couldn’t say that he blamed him, not in the slightest. 

“You think,” Kes said, “That you can waltz back into our lives after what you did to my son?”

Ben already wished that he could make himself small in that moment. If it had been anyone else, and the circumstances were different (if he simply didn’t care) he wouldn’t have felt that way; he would have snapped back. But this was Kes Dameron, and Ben knew that he had —

No, it wasn’t a mistake. A mistake was forgetting your keys. Mistakes didn’t typically devastate the minds of people who shouldn’t have been there in the first place. 

He took a deep breath, feeling suddenly very much broken. Then, “It’s not that simple, Mr. Dameron.”

”Damn right it isn’t.” Kes scrubbed the side of the X-wing like it had done something to personally offend him. “Stars, Ben, I trusted you with my son, and this is what I get? What he gets? There was no reason to torture any of these beings. They were innocent.”

Ben paused. In truth, every being he had interrogated seemed to run together. He had gone through each mind, each memory, almost like their defenses had been made of tissue. Even Jaina, before she had fought back (Ben didn’t know if it was the old Master-Padawan bond acting up or if it was something that Snoke taught her, or both, but it had saved his uncle. Then again, maybe the Force had been saving him for Snoke), had had her memories softer through. Ben had seen so much, felt so much. Where he had Poe to try to pull him back after he had interrogated Narudar Ren, he had no one to pull him back when he had done...everything else. 

It wasn’t like he’d enjoyed it. He didn’t enjoy torture, didn’t get high off it like the Emperor did. The first time he’d used it in the service of the Supreme Leader, he’d waited until he was in his private quarters to throw up. It had just gotten easier as time had gone on, and yet not quite easier. Stealing others’ privacy, all with one stroke. And all the while, Snoke had talked about how his uncle had never understood his talents and how his husband never understood that he was doing the right thing, the righteous thing...

And doing it to Poe...

”I...” And even saying he didn’t like it didn’t seem sufficient. 

“What happened to you, Ben? What made you join the First Order?”

”There were a lot of reasons.”

”There was no reason.”

”You shouldn’t have asked then!” Ben snapped, and already, he was flashing back to the fight with Finn. No. He would not repeat this again. He was better than this. He was learning his lesson, dammit. 

Ben took a deep breath, and said, “I was misled. I was wrong. And there’s nothing I can say that can make it all right again.”

”You did one of the worst things you could do to someone you married.”

”I know. And I’m not asking you to forgive me. I just hope...that I can repair what we had.”

”Not a chance. You know, both your parents would be ashamed of you. I wouldn’t be shocked if they were.”

Except Kes was wrong. 

"I want to repair what we had,” Ben said. “However I can."

Kes looked at him. Really looked at him. And Ben hated himself. 

“There’s no way you can come back from that.”

”I’m not thinking of ‘coming back’,” Ben said. “Just...mending things.”

”It’s not that easy.”

”Maybe not. But I can...do what I can.” 

Kes studied him some more, his gaze seeming to relax from that glare. Then, “If you hurt Poe again, I’ll deal with you personally.”

”Fair enough.” Ben said. He wasn’t planning on hurting Poe again anyhow. 

Once was bad enough. He never wanted to hurt Poe again. 

Even heading back, he hated Kylo Ren. Hated him for ripping through Poe’s mind like it was made of tissue, torturing him all over a stupid map. A map, of all things. Hated him for what he had done to other beings. He’d used his borderline empathic abilities against beings who hadn’t deserved it, and Kylo Ren had found new ways to rationalize it...

There was nothing he could do to change any of this. But he could very well try and help things now. 


	11. Resist, Rebuild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has a nightmare, and the Order continues rebuilding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: If you’re triggered by torture, you may want to skip this chapter.

_The door was already open for Kylo Ren even as he walked towards the room. He strode in where the prisoner was cuffed to the durasteel slab and looked coldly at the figure. The figure was already beginning to gain consciousness._

_“You didn’t think that you would be able to run forever, could you?” Kylo Ren said even as he looked down at the figure. A young woman, probably no younger than he was, actually. A young woman with blond hair cut short, looking up at Kylo with the utmost revulsion. She knew who he was. Kylo Ren had started to gain traction among others as the Jedi Killer._

_It was a title that Kylo could not say brought him much satisfaction. It wasn’t anything he could admit out loud to Supreme Leader Snoke, but he took no pleasure in the title. Others would. He couldn’t. Kylo the Butcher, Jedi Killer, the Reaper as some on Milara called him...he had many titles. None of them satisfying._

_The young woman didn’t even flinch. “So you’re the Jedi Killer. I wondered when we would meet face to face. The slayer of his own kind...how does it feel to be such?”_

_”They deserved it,” Kylo said, and even that felt like a lie._

_“By whose definitions?”_

_”They were weak and corrupt. So I destroyed them.” So the Supreme Leader had said. Encouraging him to never doubt himself, to never doubt what he had done._

_“For all the things the Jedi were guilty for, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.”_

_”Indeed?” Kylo said. “I would say it fits too well. Where are the other Jedi?”_

_”I won’t betray my comrades,” the woman said._

_Kylo was not a man who endorsed torture. Indeed, when the Supreme Leader had talked about using mindreading techniques on others (something he apparently took no pleasure in doing himself. Apparently), Kylo had been surprised at the very idea. He had never tortured someone under the command of another, and Narudar had been somewhat of an accident. To use his abilities to get information out of another was not something he considered, let alone something he considered pleasant, to say the least._

_He reached into her mind, and shifted through her memories. Her name was Kara Meers, and she had been one of those who fled from Ossus when Kylo had attacked it. There were memories of her playing on Ossus when she was just a little girl, memories of her training as a Jedi, things of that nature. And Kylo shifted through them, rustled through them._

_“Get out of my head,” Kara said._

_Kylo could not. Even as he shifted through her memories, he could not leave until he found what he was looking for._

_“There were other Jedi,” he said. “You played with them when you were a girl. Trained with them. I have to wonder, did they disappoint you when you got older, Kara?”_

_”Shut up.”_

_A memory came flying through, Kara arguing with the Council on Ossus to join the war against Snoke. “They did, didn’t they? They abandoned the galaxy. They would care less for the galaxy than they would garbage.”_

_”The Jedi were better than you ever could be.”_

_”The Jedi were slime. Now tell me, where are they?”_

_More memories, more insecurities. Kara pushed back, but ultimately was overwhelmed._

_“You won’t have their location, you son of a schutta.”_

_Kylo pushed —_

— and it was in the present that Ben Solo shot awake in his bed, Poe beside him, even as he gasped for breath. He knew how the memory ended. He had broken Kara Meers. He had managed to get the location out of her, but she had been ultimately broken by the experience. Jaina — Rey at the time — had been lucky to resist his probing. Kara had not been so lucky. And with feeling the massacre of her Jedi comrades — something that the Supreme Leader had convinced Kylo was righteous and in the service of _ren_  and Kylo had believed him — she had gone mad. Kylo had killed her afterwards. He couldn’t say why, except guilt. Snoke was furious, of course, but it had been something preferable to leaving her alive. 

That had been his first interrogation. And it had been something that had made Kylo vomit in his quarters the first time he’d done it. Interrogations over time were still unpleasant, but somehow they got...easier. So much easier. Kylo Ren had sifted through memory after memory, and it had all become so _easy_. 

Too easy. 

Ben’s stomach churned, and he headed into the fresher to vomit up the contents of his stomach. He hadn’t expected there would be so much green in a person, but there it was. Footsteps, and Poe was there, holding his head even as he puked. 

Poe wouldn’t want to be here if he knew what he’d done. 

When Ben was done, they flushed the fresher, and Ben wiped his mouth with a cloth. He felt wrung dry in that moment, as wrung dry as when he’d killed Jedi for the first time. 

“Ben,” Poe said, “What happened?”

”I didn’t tell you,” Ben said. “About the first time I interrogated someone. For Snoke.” A beat. “I broke her. It wasn’t something I intended to do, but it happened anyway.”

”How could you?”

”I hated it,” Ben said, and even that sounded weak in the wake of his crime. The wake of everything he’d done. Would Ben’s hands ever truly be clean? “I hated every moment of it.”

”Why didn’t you say ‘no’?”

Ben closed his eyes. “I thought it was necessary,” he said. 

“I knew what you did. I just didn’t know that you were doing it. Invading others’ minds.”

”I was. And it was wrong of me to do it.”

”Then you shouldn’t have done it in the first place. All of it, Ben...you could have said ‘no’, you could have turned your back — ’’

”I could have.” Ben took a deep breath. “And if you hate me for this, don’t feel bad. I hate me too.”

Poe looked lost. Then, “It’s more complicated than that.”

And Ben could see — no, he couldn’t see it. He couldn’t afford to. He couldn’t read Poe’s mind, but it was like he couldn’t turn it off...

”Ben?”

”Nothing,” Ben said. “Let’s go back to bed.”

And Ben lay awake, thinking of how exactly he was going to make amends. Back when he was Kylo Ren, he had been taught techniques (based on how the Sith Lord Darth Revan would break prisoners) in interrogating prisoners. Still, he wondered if there were opposites. Ways to resist telepathic power, or contain it. There were likely holocrons, likely tomes — anything would do, actually. 

Wouldn’t it? Would —

Ben fell back into an uneasy sleep. 

***

 

He still had the holocrons from when the First Order had attacked Dantooine. Even going through them, he could find material on resisting telepathic attacks (compliments of former Sith assassin Atton Rand, also known as Jaq Noble), but nothing about restraining telepathy. It seemed that Snoke didn’t know anything about it either, and the realization only made Ben truly angry. Snoke had all but encouraged him to spread his telepathic talents, use them as weapons —

At least he had tried. At least he had holocrons that could teach them more about the Force. 

They could use them well. 

***

It was when they were in their next lesson that they actually got to use the holocrons. Ben could remember studying and incorporating bits and pieces of the Jedi and Sith teachings, trying to make them fit together even when it seemed to make no sense (and he always stuffed it down because the Supreme Leader was wise and righteous and knew what he was doing in his ever present search for balance). Now it seemed that they were doing a similar kind of synthesis. Kind of. 

Even going through the holocrons, Ben could tell how surprised Mace Windu was at how different the old Orders were back then. 

“And it wasn’t until later that they started kidnapping children,” Ben said. 

Mace didn’t get overtly angry, but his eyebrows drew together dangerously. “We did not kidnap children,” he said. “You think that as a man whose own Order kidnapped children and made them into soldiers — ’’

”I had no part of that,” Ben said. “Phasma and General Hux were in charge of that division. And as far as I know, Hux’s father was very influenced by the Jedi Order. So yes, part of what happened to your grandson was influenced by Jedi Order practices. Taking children from their families, making them into soldiers...sound familiar?”

Mace’s face was impassive (Ben wondered how long it had taken him to perfect that look), but his mind was in a turmoil. Horror, disbelief, anger that seemed directed every which way...

”You’re saying the First Order was directly influenced by the Jedi?”

Ben nodded.

”So what do we do, then?”

”Finn and Jaina may have to weigh in,” Ben said. “But I think we could make it more like a school. We don’t take kids from their families. Not anymore. We just set it up like any other school would operate.”

Silence. “For my grandson’s sake,” Mace said. “I will do it. I do not know if Jaina and he will agree with you. But if only to avoid creating another First Order, I will do what I can.”

Jaina, Finn and Poe were also onboard, and Ben found, perhaps, that he was doing something right. Avoiding a new First Order. And perhaps in a way, he wasn’t just redeeming himself, but saving the children of the future as well. 


	12. Bless the Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time passes, and Ben and Poe adopt a child, which raises a whole new set of problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Got the title of this chapter from a Nightwish song. Great song.

Time passed. Finn and Jaina married, and Ben knew that he wished his cousin all the happiness in the galaxy. He meant it too, with all his heart. They worked at putting together the Academy, of course, with some of the trainees — all of them were of all ages, young and old, and though Ben was wiped out by the time he got home with Poe, he knew that he was really accomplishing something.

He still had stuff to do, of course. He still had to atone for what he did. Atonement wasn’t a done deal, after all. He was still working on it. There were still relationships that he needs to maintain, a lot like tending a garden. Planets that he needed to rebuild after he destroyed villages as Kylo Ren. 

And in the midst of it, he and Poe adopted a child. Shara, they named her. Originally, her designation (and Ben feels sick thinking about it) was FN-2003, but because they couldn’t simply name her Finn again, Poe suggested the name Shara, after his mother. Ben thought it was appropriate. Honoring the dead. He hoped that somewhere in the afterlife, Shara Bey forgave him. 

There was something about watching Poe play with their tiny adopted daughter that made Ben smile faintly, and yet at the same time feel a whole mixture of feelings that he couldn’t contain. Too many feelings, actually. Shara was pretending she’s a pilot, shrieking in delight as Poe lifted her in the air. Looking at how tiny she was, Ben didn’t know who he was angrier at: Hux for thinking that children would make good soldiers (and he hoped that somewhere in the afterlife, Hux was getting what he deserved all along), or his mother for honestly thinking that he was dangerous, being afraid of him, when he was no higher than her knee. 

He just knew he would never treat little Shara the way his mother treated him. Stars willing. 

Finally, Shara got tired, and Poe put her down. Shara ran over towards Ben, grinning. “Daddy! Daddy! Papa taught me how to be a pilot.”

Ben smiled, genuinely, despite himself. He lifted Shara into his arms, patted her back. “Did he now?”

Shara nestled in his arms, and Ben carried her into the house, put her down for a nap. He lay down with her, but he found he couldn’t sleep himself. 

“Hey,” Poe said. “You okay?”

Ben nodded. “Just...thinking. I don’t know who I’m angrier at. I think I’m angrier at Hux. I...” He swallowed. “I was good as complicit as well. I didn’t do anything to stop him. I didn’t like it, and I still — ’’

”You can atone now,” Poe said. “Trust me.” He kissed Ben’s cheek. 

“Yes.” Ben sighed. “I can.”

***

”...and I feel...cheated.” Ben ran a hand through his hair even as he sat in Doctor Moore’s office. “Like I didn’t get a real childhood. Shara had it worse than me, but I still feel this way.”

”And you have a right,” Doctor Moore said. “You were essentially abandoned. Even if you were in the care of your uncle, it’s a traumatic experience for any child. Your pain doesn’t diminish hers.”

”I suppose.” Ben sighed. “I think it’s time I got in touch with four year old me.” A beat. “I can’t believe I said it.”

Doctor Moore smiled. “You’re really picking things up.”

”I guess I am.” 

It’s after his session with Doctor Moore that Ben went home. She’d suggested more activities to get in touch with four year old Ben (and earlier, as Snoke had essentially stalked Ben since he was in his mother’s womb), and Ben wondered if he could seek out something on Yavin that might help him get back in touch with his wounded child. He knew there were the places where he faced his Jedi trials, but could they be repurposed? 

An idea began to form. The question was how he would take care of Shara and do this at the same time. 

It was one day when he asked Poe to look after Shara that he slipped away, towards the place where he had had his Jedi trials. He hadn’t been back there since he was only eighteen, ever since he had been Knighted. Even entering, he couldn't help but wonder at all that had changed, and yet all that had stayed the same. What would he find when he entered? His child self, or something else?

Ben took a deep breath and entered. 

 


	13. The Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben enters the cave and begins his inner child healing work and atonement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The first thing that Ben heard when he entered the cave was the sound of a crying baby. 

It was a hard sound to miss, actually. Even continuing into the cave, Ben could see, vaguely, the image of a crying baby, even as voices echoed around him. Whispers, actually. The Dark Side. So Snoke had been watching him since he was a baby, or earlier than that. Even the idea was enough to make Ben feel sick. Had it been manipulation, or, in a twisted way, checking up on his creation? Ben was half his son, half Han and Leia’s. Even that knowledge was hard to put together, hard to take. 

Ben knelt and picked up the baby, rocking him gently, murmuring and humming to him. He couldn’t say that he knew any lullabies off the top of his head, but he could try and comfort the crying baby, who seemed to relax in his arms, snuggling against his chest. Continuing forward, he saw a boy he recognized too well. His four year old self, sniffling. And even that startled Ben — had he been that small, that vulnerable, when his mother had essentially abandoned him? 

Even that idea was shocking. Even if she thought she was protecting him...

He knelt next to the boy. “Hey,” he said, “Are you okay?”

The boy looked up at him with wide brown eyes, too familiar eyes. Ben’s eyes. "I’m scared,” he said. “Really scared.”

”What are you scared of?”

”Mommy and Daddy didn’t come back,” the boy said. “They f-flew away.”

”That wasn’t right of them. And I bet they never wanted to do it either.”

”Why did they leave?”

Ben paused. How would you explain things like this to a four year old? Then, “They’re...flawed people. They thought they were protecting you, but they really forgot that you needed both your parents. I’m sorry.” Ben swallowed. “But I am not going to leave you. I promise.”

The boy looked up at him, hopefully. “Promise?”

”Cross my heart.”

They headed across the expanse of Yavin in the cave, and Ben couldn’t help but think that he hadn’t really been to this particular tree ever since he was ten years old. Not since he had had to go there just to collect his thoughts. Ten year old him was up in that tree in that moment, looking down at him. 

“It’s all right,” Ben said. "Come down from here. I’m not going to hurt you.” A beat. “You seem scared.”

”Yeah. I’m scared. My aunt’s having a baby and...” The ten year old boy broke off. 

“She won’t replace you,” Ben said. “I promise."

”How do you know?”

”Because she didn’t,” Ben said. “She never did, not in her heart.”

”Yes, but...what if I’m sent away again?”

”You won’t be,” Ben said. “I’m so sorry. They never should have sent you away. They did the wrong thing sending you away, they really did. They thought they were protecting you, and they really just hurt you. I’m sorry.” He didn’t know whether or not to address this small boy as “me” or “Ben”. Considering they were one and the same, it was complicated. Incredibly. 

The boy looked down at him. “You know my parents?”

”Too well. They love you, you know. They always have.”

”I wish Mom told me that more often.”

”She loves you,” Ben said. “More than you know.”

Ben had to move on, of course; Annie and Thomas (and even that hurt, seeing Thomas there, a reminder of the beginning of Ben’s spiral) were heading up to that tree, but he already felt better just talking to his ten year old self. He headed further through the cave, and it was then he realized he was on a familiar ship, where he had found the child Miranda (not Phasma, but another child). She had died during the attack on the Enclave when she was older; Ben hadn’t killed her personally, but he had good as killed her. 

The face of Ben’s teenage self, thirteen or fourteen, glared at him, and Ben knew that it was more than justified. After what he had done, after how he had betrayed his principles...

”I thought I would find you here,” Ben said. 

Teenage Ben scoffed. “Like you know your own mind? Your own principles?” And Ben knew that it wasn’t teenage him talking exactly as much as the cave itself. 

“I lost my way,” Ben said. 

“That’s one way to put it. You betrayed your principles. You allied with a man who represented everything you were fighting against. You killed innocent beings. And for what? Because you couldn’t see what was around you?”

”I didn’t.”

Teenage Ben morphed into someone else, Clawdite-like, Ben’s twenty-three year old self. “You could have gone to Poe. You could have refused Snoke. You had all the choices in the galaxy.”

”I know that now.” Ben swallowed. “I thought...” What had he thought, exactly? 

Ben’s twenty-three year old self turned back into his thirteen to fourteen year old self. “You were an activist. A hero. And you lost your way. You betrayed yourself.”

”And I’m doing everything I can to make up for that.” Ben took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough, but I’m sorry.”

The teenaged version of Ben let his gaze linger on Ben’s face before saying, “Why didn’t you realize it earlier?”

”I thought I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t.” Ben bit his lip. “I hope I can do the right thing for the rest of my life.”

”Then go and do it.”

”I will.”

Ben didn’t know how long it was that he seemed to wade through visions of what he had done. The Enclave, Alora, what he’d done to Mike and Annie...just to name a few. He had done so much, enough to let him know that he would be effectively making up for it for the rest of his life. He had done so much. He could only hope, even confronting each vision, that he could find ways to atone for it. All of it. And making his way back home, trying to explain to Shara and Poe what he’d done, he could only hope he would succeed. 


	14. A World Divided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben talks with Hira.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Holy shit, guys, I’m so sorry! I was fully intending to get back to this, but stuff got in the way. Also, I know that Hira’s characterization is different here than in my other stories, but she kind of took control of my fingers.

When Ben woke up the next morning, he was already greeted by chaos. And not the good sort of chaos either, where the worst thing he had to worry about was the matter of getting Shara ready for going to the Enclave. The Holonet was already broadcasting the latest chaos.

“...in the wake of the death of Supreme Leader Snoke,” the Holonet reporter, a freckle-faced woman, said, “Milara has been in chaos, splitting into two factions. One suggests unity with the Republic. The other suggests no less than complete secession from the Republic itself, claiming that it has done nothing for them. They also deliberate over how to choose the next leader for Milara...”

Not long after, Ben was in his room, comming Hira. “Is all of this true?” he said.

Hira nodded. “They’re angry,” she said. “Some of them are angry at you for ‘betraying’ the Supreme Leader.”

"He wouldn’t stop when he tortured Poe or Jaina.”

Hira looked at him, eyes wide. “Are you sure?”

”Do you think that I could make that up?" Ben said.

“No. I just never dreamed that he would commit torture.” Hira sighed. “How long was he doing it?”

”For quite some time,” Ben said. “He did it to me too.”

Hira looked as if she’d been hit by a runaway speeder. Then, “I knew that he was losing his compass. He hated the Resistance and Luke Skywalker so much that he would have done anything, but I never dreamed he would have used torture. Let alone on his own aras.”

”He may have contributed to creating me, but he wasn’t my father.”

”Indeed,” Hira said. “Milaran wolves would fight to the death to preserve their offspring. A true father would do no less.”

"He would.” Ben thought of his own father, his real father, reaching out to touch his cheek before falling off the bridge. He knew that in Milara, crimes within the family were considered especially heinous. He wondered what they thought of him, what they would have thought of Snoke if the truth about how he treated his aras came out. “Snoke mentioned that there were other apprentices. Were they...also his children?”

Hira shook her head. “You were the only one. I can remember the Supreme Leader talking about you, how you could be the balance he was looking for. His other apprentices...some had betrayed him, some had been too ruthless, but some had done nothing wrong except be sucked into his web. And he always had plans. Always...” A pause. “It hurts saying this about someone I used to admire.”

”Did you care for him?”

”For my part, yes. My feelings are, admittedly, complicated.”

”So are mine,” Ben said. Snoke’s moments of gentleness were so intertwined with moments of rage that Ben didn’t know which was which at times.

Silence.

“Milara...” Ben said.

Hira nodded. “I’m going there. If I can find evidence of what Snoke has done, it can help our case tremendously. Show everyone that he was more complicated than the saint we thought he was.”

Ben nodded. “May the Force be with you, Hira.”

”And may ren be with you,” Hira said.

The communication ended, and Ben was left alone.

Well, except for when Poe walked in the door. “You okay?” he said.

Ben nodded. “Relatively.” He sighed. “Milara’s in trouble.”

”Again?”

”Some people aren’t taking Snoke’s death well,” Ben said.

“You think at least some of them would be doing a jig on that bastard’s grave...”

”He saved our lives.”

”He also hurt you.” Poe stroked a lock of hair away from Ben’s face. “That’s something I can’t forgive.”

”I hurt you, and you don’t seem to hate me.”

"I don’t forgive you,” Poe said. “But we can start again. And what he did to you, how he destroyed you...”

He broke off, almost as if reliving it was too much. Ben took a deep breath. “I’m here,” he said. “I’m all right. Or I will be.”

Ben hugged him, taking in the warmth and smell of Poe, and there was something about it that was comforting, reminding him of who he was, here and now.

***

It was later that Ben typed up his own eulogy for Snoke. It was something that he should have gotten to doing. The other eulogy. He hadn’t gotten to doing that eulogy. Stuff had gotten in the way. But he could do it now. 

Ben took a deep breath and typed the first sentence of the eulogy. 

_In a way, there were several things I hadn’t acknowledged that Snoke gave me..._


End file.
